


the miracle of life

by snsk



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Humour, M/M, Pregnancy, as requested by :) Dan :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-08 22:17:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8865475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snsk/pseuds/snsk
Summary: "Do you want a glass of pineapple juice," Phil said, trying to be thoughtful. "I fucking hate pineapple," Dan said.  (or, the fic concept Dan brought up three different times in two days)





	

Dan hated Phil's dick.

"I hate your dick," he averred to Phil. "I take back every single complimentary thing I've ever said about it."

Phil said, soothingly: "Yes, babe."

"It's the worst dick ever," Dan said. "I never want to see it again in my life."

"Of course, love," Phil assured him.

Dan surveyed him suspiciously.

"You don't find me attractive, do you?" he accused. "You don't want to have sex with me ever again. That's what you're saying."

"Dan-" Phil said, trying to work his thumbs reassuringly over the arch of Dan's foot, but Dan drew it indignantly back.

"Go ahead," he said, eyes welling up with tears. "You can say it!"

Phil stared at him bemusedly.

"That you'd rather have sex with a _blimp_!" Dan exclaimed, and turned dramatically away from Phil, pushing his face into his pillow.

"Sweetheart," Phil began. "Love of my life." He tried to choose his words very carefully. "You look as beautiful as ever. I think you're very sexy. I'd have sex with you right now."

He reached out to touch Dan's hip. "Baby?"

"It's so hard to have sex," Dan's voice moaned, muffled and anguished. "Don't you know how long it's been since you last had your dick inside me? I’m going to _die_."

"We could try," Phil said, "the doctor said we could, very carefully. If you really want to." He was doubtful. He did not know much about the safety or viability of this endeavour, and would rather not risk - well, he wasn't sure, but whatever it was that could be risked. But he also did not want Dan to die of Phil refusing to have sex with him when he was pregnant. His mum would kill him when she heard.

"I _don't_ want to!" Dan said, whipping his head back around so fast Phil was worried about whiplash. He certainly was feeling its effects. "Everything hurts! My back hurts! I can't get comfortable. My feet hurt! Why did you stop rubbing them?"

Phil hastened to return to his task.

"I can't take a fucking shit," Dan said. "And when I do it's always a guessing game as to whether the veins in my rectum and perineum can withstand the pressure and increased blood volume. _Why_ won't this baby come out."

He shot a narrow-eyed glare at his stomach. "Why won't you come out so I can just go to the toilet like a bloody normal person!"

In the beginning of the pregnancy, Dan had read many books and listened to various podcasts and suggested not swearing around the growing, susceptible baby.

This had gone out the window by the third trimester.

"Do you want a glass of pineapple juice," Phil said, trying to be thoughtful.

"I fucking hate pineapple," Dan said. "And yes."

This had been the strangest and most persistent craving. The list included tofu, smoked salmon, and Reece's Pieces. Phil had jokingly asked if he was planning to get through the latter half of the alphabet. Dan, in turn, had asked him very politely to get the fuck out of the room.

But to leave the fish and candy behind.

Pineapple had been strangest because it was true, Dan didn't like pineapple at all. But the baby seemed to. Slices after dinner and extra sugar in the juice. Phil retrieved a mugful from the excess supply in the fridge and returned to Dan, who was still glaring accusingly at their incredible and miraculous gift of life.

"You're having the next one," he told Phil as he accepted the mug.

"Yes, darling," Phil agreed.

"You're having the next _three_ ," Dan amended.

They'd decided on three kids at the most, but Phil was not suicidal and therefore did not nitpick. "Of course, love."

Dan subsided for a bit and drank his loathed juice. Phil pushed his sack sweater up and pressed his lips to his lovely rounded belly. His family. Right here.

"You really are terribly beautiful," he said, honestly, reverently. "Thank you so much for this."

"Don't even try, you're not getting out of having the next three," Dan said, but he went a little pink, anyway, like he'd actually, even a bit, thought Phil would've found him less attractive. Of all the ridiculous ideas. He threaded his fingers through Phil's hair.

Phil kissed his stomach. Phil kissed their child, and hoped that they could somehow feel it.

Dan said, quite fondly, "I still hate your dick."

"Yes, my love," Phil said understandingly.

He went back to massaging Dan's feet, trying to relieve at least a little of the pain in his swollen ankles.

"I need to pee," Dan said after a bit. "Again. Fuck's sake," so Phil helped him up and agreed sympathetically with his many and varied complaints about how this baby could at the very least leave off constantly punching on his bladder, or at least that was all it felt like the kid was doing in there.

**Author's Note:**

> snsknene.tumblr.com


End file.
